marathonmummy

8am, Sunday. Normal people are sleeping, or having breakfast and enjoying a lie in. Running people are putting on their trainers and strapping on their heart monitors. Not that I’m suggesting that runners are weird, obviously…but I could have been having a bacon roll in bed and instead I was out for a ten mile run.

Legs: We hurt! Ow!
Me: Oh come on, legs, I know I did a little bit of faster running yesterday and then forgot to stretch, but you’ll be okay in a minute once you warm up.
Legs: (sullenly) We still hurt. Our shins are sore.
Me: (running slowly, ignoring legs)

iPod: Hahahaha, you liked the shuffle the other day. Well, today you’re going to suffer. Manic shouty stuff from The Prodigy okay with you?
Me: It’s only half eight in the morning, I can’t do beeps and screeching yet.

Legs: We don’t want to run today. We want to sit down on the couch whilst you eat chocolate.
Me: Oh come on legs, we’ll just jog gently up to the next telegraph pole then we can walk.
Legs: Hrmph. Only if you promise to stretch us.

Rain starts.

iPod: Here you are, have a bit of depressing Johnny Cash
Me: Dire Straits yesterday, and now this? Are you having a joke?
Johnny Cash: I will let you down…I will make you hurt…
Me: Thanks Johnny, you’re not really helping here.
Legs: He has a point. We’re giving up.
Me: Fine. We’ll sit on this fire hydrant thingy on the grass verge. I don’t mind sitting on a roadside looking stupid for five minutes. We’ve got miles to go yet.
Legs: Not if we don’t want to. We might just make you walk home.

five minutes later

Me: Look at me, I’m running like a proper running person!
Legs: We’re fine, we are. We never said we couldn’t run, we just didn’t want to.

runrunrun

Bladder: Why did you have a big glass of water before you left the house?
Me: Oh shut up, it wasn’t that big. Just reabsorb it and stop moaning.
Bladder: I need the loo.
Me: runrunrunrunrun (ignoring)

five more minutes later

Bladder: I need the loo, I need the looooooooooo
Me: Right, that’s fine. When we get to the next village, I’ll ask someone if I can use their loo.
My mother: (what’s she doing here?) You can’t just knock on a stranger’s door and ask to use their loo, they might chop you into pieces and put you in their freezer.
Bladder: Hello? Getting desperate here…
Me: (not running any more, too tricky with legs crossed)
Bladder: Just pee behind a hedge. Paula Radcliffe did it during the London Marathon. You’ll be like a REAL runner then.
Me: But there are people in cars, and walking their dogs. And I don’t even have a tissue.
Bladder: Yes you do, it’s in your pocket. Did I mention I need the loo?

five more rather desperate minutes

Bladder: That hedge will do! Or that one!
Me: (mortified)
Bladder: That’s it, climb over that gate – you know you want to…
Me: (let’s gloss over this part)

Legs: Oh you are so embarrassing. We’re going to run quite fast now, so we don’t have to be seen with you.
Bladder: Ooh, that’s better. Isn’t that better? Admit it, you feel better.
Me: (wondering what it’s like to run without body parts having a conversation with you)

runrunrun, through village, up hills, down hills, past cyclists, runrunrun, look at me, I’m running!

Coccyx: Hello
Me: Oh for f*cks sake, what now?
Coccyx: You broke me a few years ago, d’you remember?
Me: Oh GO away. Why didn’t I drug you all with ibuprofen before I left?
Coccyx: (sullen mutterings)

runrunrun walkwalkwalk runrunrun

Me: Come on legs, you can do it!
Legs: We hate you. Running is stupid. Can we have a bath when we get home?
Shoulders: We don’t want to trouble you, but we’re a little bit sore…

I can’t believe it’s taken me 9 months to discover the joy of running with music! Being a bit low tech, I don’t have my own iPod, so I borrowed Mr Marathonmummy’s MP3 player, hit shuffle and suddenly I can see what all the fuss is about.

run run run
Fall Out Boy (This Ain’t a Scene…oh, I love this song and I’m all fired up with marathon excitement)
run run run
Radiohead (Street Spirit, perfect song)
run run run
Placebo (Every You, Every Me – tempo matches my ultraslow running)
run run run
Elastica (Connection – haven’t heard this for years, can’t think about running because I’m reminiscing about university)
run run run
The Sundays (note to self: singing along uses up vital breath, also makes me look deranged)
run run run
Editors (Smokers Outside the Hospital Doors)
oh this song is sad. Now I’m crying and running. This is good training for the marathon. I miss my dad. When I did the Race for Life a few years ago the messages written on people’s t-shirts made me cry, and this marathon is going to be a box of tissues job.

run run run
The Proclaimers (Cap in Hand)
was feeling a bit tired, but am now fired up with Scottish fury
run run run
Deacon Blue (Dignity)
run run faster run, fired up with Scottish fervour and remembering being fifteen
run run Dire BLOODY Straits? Stop. Manic Street Preachers, that’s better. Home. Yay, love running with music. Must try not to get squished by a car though.

I only went out for a quickie for half an hour whilst no1 did ballet class – but the good news is that despite running faster, my average heart rate is 10 beats lower than it was the other day. I’m getting fitter, my Garmin says so. Yippee.

(PS please excuse slight bonkersness of this post. Still operating on Bulgarian body clock, spent the afternoon digging up the allotment of doom, and am completely exhausted and incoherent.)

I can run 8 minute miles. Or I could if I didn’t die of tiredness after about three seconds.

My jogging speed is faster than it needs to be.

My heart rate is, well, it’s going to get better, isn’t it?

And it really helps if you don’t turn the Garmin off after two minutes, whilst debating what to do about the walkers in front, and then forget to turn it back on for ten minutes, because it’s kind of hard to get a good idea of how the run goes when you miss the middle out.

At least I managed to get out today – we’re forecast heavy snow (it’s already falling) and I think the children will be off school for the rest of the week, so it’ll be treadmill trundlings for me. But I ticked off run #1 on the 16 week marathon training schedule:

Week One
Mon Rest
Tue 30 mins: run 3 mins, walk 1
Wed 40 mins: run 3 mins, walk 2
Thu Rest
Fri 40 mins: run 3 mins, walk 1
Sat Rest
Sun 80 mins: run 3 mins, walk 2

Next year (and can you believe that I’m writing this!) we’re going to do it faster! When Zoe and I were out on Boxing Day, she said ‘you know, I have a feeling this is going to turn us into…runners’ (said as if it was a bad thing).